admin As a semi-deranged Casey McQuiston fan, I’ve been waiting eagerly for their smash-hit queer romance novel Red, White & Royal Blue to come out in film form, and it finally has. I’m hearing “gay,” I’m hearing “monarchy,” I’m hearing “stolen kisses in Westminster Abbey”…what’s not to love? Let’s dive in and see if this Taylor Zakhar Perez and Nicholas Galitzine-led film adaptation holds up to the book, shall we? (No pressure.)
- Some pasty British people are getting married at the Abbey.
- Okay, so Prince Henry is the hot, gay one? Got it.
- Hey, it’s Alex Claremont-Diaz, our U.S. lead!
- Alex doesn’t not look like a young McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy.
- Oh, these fancy boys hate each other, so obviously they’re going to kiss while their designated hags (Henry’s sister and the VP’s granddaughter) hang out elsewhere.
- This banter is hot, I’ll admit.
- LMAO, Alex gets cake on Henry in what I can only describe as a homoerotic faux pas.
- Obviously, the cake moment goes viral online.
- OMG, Matthew López directed this! Who knew? (A lot of people, probably.)
- OMG again, Uma Thurman is Alex’s mom, the president! And she’s doing a thick Southern accent. I’m obsessed.
- President Southern Mom orders Alex to go back to the U.K. and make nice with Henry.
- Good point—what is an equerry? I mean, I only know from listening to The Palace Papers on Audible, and I still don’t entirely remember.
- Not the Santal 33 mention!
- Hey, it’s Rachel Maddow!
- There’s a trade deal between the U.S. and Britain in the offing, BTW. I don’t really care about that, but it seems relevant.
- Alex’s dad rightly points out that his beef with Henry is stupid, given that they’re both rich-boy princelings (one literally, one figuratively)—but also, go Alex for being anti-royalist!
- Aw, Alex and Henry are chatting online!
- Vogue shoutout, everybody drink.
- Oh, they’re trading Zadie Smith and James Baldwin recs. It is on.
- Alex’s forearms are hot. Just saying.
- Alex is trying to be taken seriously on the campaign with a memo about how to win Texas, but nobody’s having it.
- It’s a hot-bisexual smorgasbord at Alex’s New Year’s party, but he only has eyes for Henry.
- Bad Bunny time!
- Alex makes out with several girls, pissing off Henry, but then…they kiss in the cold? 🙂
- Hell yeah, VP’s granddaughter Nora has a side romance going with Henry’s friend Percy, and we love to see it.
- A hot, gay journalist Alex has hooked up with before is flirting with him at a state dinner, but he (once again) only has eyes for Henry.
- Prince and First Son hookup in the Red Room!
- Uma looks good in red.
- The fellas hook up and talk deeply after the party, and I am on board, dude.
- Polo time! Free the horses! (Nobody says this in the movie, it’s just my pet cause.)
- I am personally not horny for watching blond men play polo, but Alex seems to disagree.
- Sex time! Alex has never banged a dude before and is embarrassed about it, but damn, the chemistry on these two is insane.
- Welp, Alex gets banned from talking to the press because he told the hot gay journalist (who “tweets too much,” as I have to admit we all do) about the Texas strategy.
- And just like that, Alex is addressing the DNC! It seems to go well.
- The president’s campaign manager Zahra finds out Alex and Henry are hooking up and goes insane.
- Aw, Alex comes out to his mom and she basically says “Gay rights.” Not super-realistic for the president, but cute!
- Henry joins Alex and his dad at a retreat in Texas, playing volleyball and listening to good music and doing other gay stuff.
- Okay, these boys reading in a hammock together is making me cry.
- A British boy who can handle Texas karaoke? Marry him, Alex!
- Aw, the come-out to Alex’s dad goes well too!
- Henry confides in his sister about Alex in a manicured garden to the strains of a very good Vagabon song, then emotionally plays the piano and ignores Alex’s calls. Rude!
- Okay, Alex and Henry slow-dancing among sculptures in the Victoria and Albert Museum? I’m crying again.
- Oh fuck, emails with evidence of the boys’ relationship gets leaked, and Henry finds himself in the unenviable position of having to come out to the queen (his grandmother).
- “Every queer person has the right to come out on their own terms and on their own timeline,” Alex says on TV, taking a stand for himself, his BF, and LGBTQ+ people everywhere.
- Okay, they’re playing the piano together, so it’s back on, even though Henry’s getting the silent treatment from his grandfather.
- Oh shit, prince brother fight!
- Even the homophobic king of England is down??? I told you these guys had chemistry!
- OMG, there are crowds at the castle cheering on Alex and Henry! I want to be part of them!
- Seriously, I never would have camped out for a straight royal wedding, but for a gay one? Yes, please!
- Uma Thurman wins the election by clinching Texas, thanks to her boyboss son. As they say, “Go gay, win the day!” (They do not say this.)
