admin As Western civilization creeps towards actual civilization, transgender women are living—and dating—more freely than ever before. You’re very likely to meet a doll on a typical night out if you live in a major city, the same way you would any girl. If that’s exciting to you, this doesn’t have to be the thing of Craigslist personal ads (RIP) and quickly-deleted PornHub search histories. It’s kind of normal.
Still, the rules for dating a trans girl are a little more complicated than for your average relationship. Sure, we probably all want to be courted and taken out—some may want to go Dutch, but not me, not on a first date. But there are other factors at play. In the same way you’d try to learn the intricacies of someone’s culture that is not your own, you’ll want to be respectful of an unfamiliar gender identity. Luckily for you, I’ve combed through my contacts—I communicated with old suitors, ex-boyfriends, my guy friends, and some other trans women—to compile a list of tips for dating a doll. While the trans experience is not a monolith, and no two women are exactly alike, most people I spoke with agreed that these tips were foundational for a relationship with a lady of transgender experience.
1. Don’t start none, won’t be none.
Don’t lead a woman on in any relationship—but you’ll need to be extra sure about your intentions with trans girls. Many of us have had the experience of dating men that want to hide us, or gotten ghosted because a man just can’t deal with his own struggles about openly dating a trans woman. It’s best to make your intentions known. If you’re looking for something casual—say it. But if you’re not ready to be open about your relationship, then you probably shouldn’t even start to pursue a doll.
2. Your fetish is not a green light.
Just because you watch trans videos on PornHub does not mean you should date transgender women. (It was the fourth-most searched category in 2022, after all.) Every doll has a story about a “chaser” looking to experiment.
3. Be ready for the fact that others may not understand your relationship.
It’s similar to other queer relationships, or interracial relationships. Bigotry is still all around us. Also know that, if you’ve previously only dated cis women, you will inevitably be hit with questions about your own sexuality. If the relationship is worth it, you’ll need to mentally prepare for these conversations with friends, colleagues, and family.
4. Educate yourself about queer and trans culture.
While I’m sure most dolls are open to educating their cis partners about a lot of things, they aren’t going to want to explain every single thing to an adult man. You should know the basics: Stonewall, yes, but also Marsha P. Johnson, Act Up, Lucy Hicks Anderson, and the latest laws affecting trans health care where you live.
5. Understand that there hasn’t been much media representation of a relationship like yours.
Some people may have grown up watching Friends and thought: “I want a relationship like Ross and Rachel.” That’s not as much of an option in this case.
6. Don’t hyperfocus on her trans-ness—but also understand that she is different from the cis women you’ve dated.
Reinforce her femininity. Don’t assume that she relates to male interests just because of her assignment at birth. But you should also understand that she has a different lived experience than cisgender girls. This doesn’t necessarily mean that she doesn’t want to talk about her life pre-transition, but it’s something you should let her bring up on her own terms.
7. Know that there are different ways to pleasure a trans woman.
First and foremost it’s important to know before being intimate whether she is a top, bottom, or versatile. A top is the one giving, a bottom receives and someone who is versatile is open to switching or doing both. Don’t make assumptions! A doll can present highly femme and be a total top. The next thing you will want to talk about is if she is pre or post-op (if she even wants to have vaginoplasty). If your girl is pre-op, her prostate will serve as her G-spot, just like you. This means anal stimulation may be key to giving her an orgasm. If she is post-op, you’ll need to ask her if she can be stimulated through vaginal penetration or oral. This is really the same as sex with a cis girl—you simply want to do what most pleases her, and communication is key.
8. Deal with your own masculinity.
Transphobia is prevalent in our society, and a trans woman’s safety is always something she must consider. Frankly, you may encounter people who are rude or aggressive. As a trans woman I can say there is nothing more comforting than a man that can stand by your side with conviction. This doesn’t mean you should be ready to brawl, but you should be man enough to stand up for your woman.
On the other hand, it’s also important to remember that just because she is a woman does not mean she lives her life according to specific gender norms—maybe she wants to keep her facial hair, maybe she doesn’t dress within the gender binary. Knowing the kind of person they see themselves as is paramount.
9. Get to know her chosen family.
Going home to meet the parents is an established rite of passage for relationships. Equally important—or in many cases more so—is meeting her chosen family. This is a common concept in the queer community: Chosen families are the people who know you wholly and affirm your gender identity. Their approval is something you should want.
10. Understand that you’re bound to make mistakes.
In all relationships you’re bound to learn someone’s icks, so don’t be hard on yourself as you learn what to do and not do. But there is a baseline you want to get above—remembering pronouns is very important and easy enough, for starters.
11. Know that every trans woman’s life is different.
Some dolls have healthy and easy coming out stories and happy memories relating to their pre-transition life. Others don’t. It’s important for you to find out her level of comfort in discussing things like this, but you can’t force it—as intimacy grows between you two, it will become easier for her to be honest and open about the life that led her to be who she is now.
12. Be ready for the fact that, if you date for long enough, it is inevitable children will come up.
No matter where you fall when it comes to having kids, it’s important to be informed on how it would be possible. Adoption is an option, of course. But many a doll has, under the advice of their endocrinologist, frozen sperm from before beginning their medical transition, and surrogacy is increasingly popular in the queer community.
